Everything I know about drugs

By someone who has never taken any (except weed but that doesn’t count, I think).

People who take drugs get better leaving emails
People remember them as the life of the party
Someone who likes to have fun
People miss fun people
People don’t miss people who leave at midnight and complain they’re drunk after 2 beers and that they really need to eat before they pass out

People who take drugs love telling you how great you are
That they love working with you
That you have the best style
The best hair
God, you’re just the best
People who take drugs get embarrassed when you thank them for all their kind words when you bump into them at the coffee machine the next morning

People who take drugs spend a lot of time in toilets
I do not like to wait for the toilet
I’m a champion wee taker
The speed of my pee and the speed of your nostrils need to make a happy medium somehow

People who take drugs always know who the other people who take drugs are
They know that you are not one of them
That is why you are never offered the drugs
It’s why you have never tried them
Because you didn’t know anyone that took drugs

People who take drugs are happy to spend all day on the sofa
They do not worry about being unproductive or lazy
Because when they need to do something they can just take drugs again
People who take drugs will often look hungover
But they don’t regret it, I think

People who take drugs can listen to the same song for hours
They can stay on their feet in a sweaty room dancing to music that has no melody
People who take drugs do not complain that their feet hurt and they need some fresh air

People who take drugs always run out of battery on their phone
Because they have been calling and messaging their dealer all night
People who take drugs will bring a phone charger to a party